Do
you know this moment of relief and exhaustion, tiredness and happiness?
You
start in the semester highly motivated! New Seminar, an interesting and
fascinating topic! You love the discussions in class – thought-provoking and
exciting.
Seminars
are great – there are no exams! You can actually enjoy what you are discussing.
You do not have to fear that you might have forgotten everything in three
month. You live life here and now. But…there is a hurdle. A Paper. You have to
write a paper. Yes, everybody has to write a paper. You as well! You will not
receive your degree if you have not written at least one LLM-paper. And papers
can be cruel. Papers are cruel at least at some point and if it is only
bluebooking your footnotes in the end.
Maybe
in week one – because you have too much energy and motivation, you start
thinking about a topic. Unlikely, but it could happen. This is actually the fun
part. Your mind can wander. You can think about this or that. You are free. If
you do not like something, you just leave it out of the scope of analysis. You come
up with ideas; ideas which are real ideas – new, exciting, creative and waiting
to be tested and challenged. They need not make sense yet. It is fun, not yet
serious. But sooner than you expect, the first deadline approaches: you have to
present your idea to the Professor. Suddenly, it becomes work. A first outline
must be drafted. Some research must be done. But still, all this is relatively
easy – if you learn something during your LLM, it is how to present and argue
some (maybe under-developed) ideas, and convince the professor to let you
pursue your way.
So
assumed your professor agreed to your topic, you maybe start thinking about starting
to think about how to research and write the paper. Maybe this includes some
research. But most likely it will not go further than thinking. There is just
too much else to do. Externship. Readings. Parties. Sports. New York. Moot
Courts. No momentum for papers…for now.
But
then, the moment comes: you decide to stop surfing Facebook and to start to write.
Everybody knows the feeling sitting in front of a blank page, the cursor
blinking without mercy. But then you start. And the flow will come, where you
type and type and type. And type. There is nothing better than this moment when
you are racking your brain, trying to make an argument. It works out well in
your head – you think at least. But it is so hard to get it on paper. Then you
type. You rearrange. You reformulate. Word for word – suddenly they match
perfectly and create a wonderful logic. The moment you read the paragraph you have
just typed, and everything makes sense now – priceless. Unfortunately, these
moments are as rare as they are special. Because, as you might remember – there
are other things to do as well – things which are fun, too, and easier achieve.
And
suddenly there is this moment, when you realize that time is flying, and
deadlines are approaching. Interestingly, everybody seems to have this moment
at the same time. There is a point in time where everybody is talking
about…papers. Not so much about contents, but about still blank pages to fill. How
much pages do I need? 25? Really 25? Double-Space? At once, the library is full
again! Everybody is typing like mad. Nights get shorter. The energy drink
consumption increases. Pages fill up.
Eventually,
this will lead you to the moment when you realize that you have written too
much. Frustration. How the hell should you shorten all these valuable words,
which were typed with so much dedication and commitment. And obviously, this
thought is brilliant – how can you even dare to think about to just delete it!
But
as deadlines come closer, this moment fades out. Soon, you work like in a
tunnel. You do not see anything, but the light at the end. You want to finish. You do not ask questions anymore. For instance, you do not ask yourself why you did not start earlier. You do not ask yourself why all papers are due on the last day of class. You do not ask yourself how you manage to do all this at the same time - you just do. It
is now, at latest, when you realize how cruel papers can be. Nothing is left
from the enthusiasm you initially had. Nothing is left from the belief that
this paper can have an impact. You just want to get it done.
And
somehow, you do not know why and how it happened, there is this moment of
relief and exhaustion, tiredness and happiness: when you watch with dark
circles around your small eyes the printer print your work. Done. Finally. What
a moment. Good night.
